On the stage everything I said was true, but not everything was said. Not that I was selective with the truth, I only had 6 minutes.
Author: A Joke A Day
Parallel Universes
What about those parallel universes? Like ours except for trivial changes.
Untold numbers of realities where Hillary was elected, dozens where Jacinda never replaced little, a few where Trump was a good president and maybe even one where Windows doesn’t crash!
Wax
Gender is what’s between the ears, not what’s between the legs …
My gender must be wax.
Moon Landing
I’m sick of the conspiracy nuts claiming NASA faked Flash Gordon’s 1934 Moon landing.
Diarrhea
I have diarrhoea & feel wobbly.
I told you my cooking at home wasn’t safe.
Celery
Celery. Get addicted to celery.
Gambling, sugar, sex, heroin, tobacco, meth-amphetamine addictions will kill you or ruin your life.
Celery is the answer.
Celery is a pretty harmless thing to be addicted to, just don’t mainline the bloody stuff
Fear of Comedians?
Coulrophobia: Fear of clowns.
No word for fear of comedians?
AREN’T WE SCARY ENOUGH FOR YOU?
Repossessed
Forget to pay the exorcist and be repossessed.
Handbag
When I say I fix up my lipstick after smoking. I mean I can only find my lipstick when I’m searching my handbag for a lighter!
Half A Cup
“Optimists say the cup is half full.
Pessimists say the cup is half empty.
Julia doesn’t care as long as the half that’s there is coffee.” — a former co-worker