June 2024 – Julia Clement

Helium Cookbook

My doctor told me I need a lighter diet so I wrote The Helium Cookbook

I wanted to take the Waterview tunnel, but someone told me where it came out.

SPOILER!

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

(I can’t believe that’s original, but can’t remember hearing it)

I don’t understand how Internet trolls function.

How do they get decent WIFI under the bridge?

Comedy’s all fun and games until someone splits their sides.

Totally pissed off at the scalpers.

My show’s been on sale for 4 days & they still haven’t bought all the tickets.

I’d tell penis jokes, but there’s a shortage.

If they ban fireworks at Guy Fawkes, how do we stop the papists blowing up parliament?

My iPhone is so old that when I pick it up, Siri says “Number please.”

Question on a quiz show:

The main food of Blue Whales is?

Obviously Krill, how’s a whale going to open a can?