NZComedy – Page 23 – Julia Clement

Moon Landing

I’m sick of the conspiracy nuts claiming NASA faked Flash Gordon’s 1934 Moon landing.

I have diarrhoea & feel wobbly.
I told you my cooking at home wasn’t safe.

Celery. Get addicted to celery.

Gambling, sugar, sex, heroin, tobacco, meth-amphetamine addictions will kill you or ruin your life.

Celery is the answer.

Celery is a pretty harmless thing to be addicted to, just don’t mainline the bloody stuff

Coulrophobia: Fear of clowns.

No word for fear of comedians?

AREN’T WE SCARY ENOUGH FOR YOU?

Forget to pay the exorcist and be repossessed.

When I say I fix up my lipstick after smoking. I mean I can only find my lipstick when I’m searching my handbag for a lighter!

“Optimists say the cup is half full.

Pessimists say the cup is half empty.

Julia doesn’t care as long as the half that’s there is coffee.” — a former co-worker

So ironic that I’m now DEATH’s ghostwriter.

(DEATH is a dedicated psychopomp that I portray on stage)

Airline food’s bad because something has to make hospital food look good.

I’m not a one-liner comedian, but from time-to-time one filters into my brain.

It seems a terrible shame to never use them so I thought I’d try posting them here. The joke a day is to encourage me & not any kind of promise.

Julia Clement