Joke-a-day – Page 2 – Julia Clement

Between the Ears

Gender is what’s between the ears, not what’s between the legs …

My gender must be wax.

I’m sick of the conspiracy nuts claiming NASA faked Flash Gordon’s 1934 Moon landing.

Physarum polycephalum is a slime mold with 507 sexes.

Can you imagine what their version of Tindr must be like?

I have diarrhoea & feel wobbly.

I told you my cooking at home wasn’t safe.

Get addicted to celery.

Gambling, sugar, sex, heroin, tobacco, meth-amphetamine addictions will kill you or ruin your life.

Celery is the answer.

Celery is a pretty harmless thing to be addicted to, just don’t mainline the bloody stuff

Coulrophobia: Fear of clowns.

But no word for fear of comedians?

AREN’T WE SCARY ENOUGH FOR YOU?

When I say I fix up my lipstick after smoking.

I mean I can only find my lipstick when I’m searching my handbag for a lighter!

If they ban fireworks at Guy Fawkes, how do we stop the papists returning and blowing up parliament?

“Optimists say the cup is half full Pessimists say the cup is half empty.

Julia doesn’t care as long as the half that’s there is coffee.”

— a former co-worker

Airline food’s bad because something has to make hospital food look good.