NZComedy – Page 3 – Julia Clement

Moon Landing

I’m sick of the conspiracy nuts claiming NASA faked Flash Gordon’s 1934 Moon landing.

Physarum polycephalum is a slime mold with 507 sexes.

Can you imagine what their version of Tindr must be like?

Get addicted to celery.

Gambling, sugar, sex, heroin, tobacco, meth-amphetamine addictions will kill you or ruin your life.

Celery is the answer.

Celery is a pretty harmless thing to be addicted to, just don’t mainline the bloody stuff

Coulrophobia: Fear of clowns.

But no word for fear of comedians?

AREN’T WE SCARY ENOUGH FOR YOU?

When I say I fix up my lipstick after smoking.

I mean I can only find my lipstick when I’m searching my handbag for a lighter!

“Optimists say the cup is half full Pessimists say the cup is half empty.

Julia doesn’t care as long as the half that’s there is coffee.”

— a former co-worker

Airline food’s bad because something has to make hospital food look good.

Forget to pay the exorcist & be repossessed.

Super Hero File

Name: Captain Kina

Origin: Living a peaceful life eating seaweed when the same radiation leak that created TAXman changed their life for ever

Powers: A prickly character

Aims: To raise sea level to create ever larger fields of yummy kelp

Super Hero File

Name: DEATHman

Origin: In an attempt to reduce his workload, DEATH comes to Earth and battles people who ignore workplace and road safety rules.

Powers: Catchphrase: Quick Vulture, to the DEATHmobile.

Aims: Lower death rate.

Weaknesses: Contractually forbidden to resurrect clients.

Foes: Simeon Brown

Affiliates: Vulture