AucklandComedy – Julia Clement

Living Forever

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

(I can’t believe that’s original, but can’t remember hearing it.)

I don’t understand how Internet trolls function.

How do they get decent WIFI under the bridge?

Comedy’s all fun and games until someone splits their sides.

Totally pissed off at the scalpers.

My show’s been on sale for 4 days & they still haven’t bought all the tickets.

I’d tell penis jokes, but there’s a shortage.

If they ban fireworks at Guy Fawkes, how do we stop the papists returning and blowing up parliament?

Question on a quiz show:

The main food of Blue Whales is?

Krill, Anchovies, Sardines?

Obviously Krill, how’s a whale going to open a can?

I’m writing some new gags on centipedes.

I’m sure this idea’s got legs.

I have a cup of tea every year, but I am trying to cut back.

I don’t want to seem irrational but I can never remember if numbers are real or imaginary or both and that’s integral to a complex problem!