Comedian, Playwright, Director, Producer
Super Hero File
Name: Lady Magnet
Origin: After being exposed to a love potion in her uncle’s chemistry lab, shy teenager Maggie Fields found herself with an irresistible charm that drew men to her like metal to a magnet. She became Lady Magnet, using her power to attract—and distract—villains.
Powers: Attracts men.
Weaknesses: Can not repel creepy guys.
Foes: Misogynator
Super Hero File
Name: Virtueman
Origin: Multibillionaire Richie Silver decided to use his fortune for good.
Found it was too hard & now when villains do bad things he just sends thoughts and prayers.
Powers: As he’s super rich, the media his businesses advertise on love reporting his thoughts.
Super Hero File
Name: Dinosaur Lass
Origin: Another bite, although how Sir David Attenborough became radioactive eludes me.
Powers: Currently does infomercials promoting the Jurassic diet. No fruit & everything tastes like chicken.
Weaknesses: Almost useless short arms.
Foes: The Asteroid.
Super Hero File
Name: Cupcake
Origin: Retired pâtissière Tira Masu was delivering cupcakes to Auckland Hospital when a gamma ray beam was accidentally activated, turning her into Cupcake.
Powers: Produces irresistible pastries with so much sugar that villains go into a diabetic coma.
Weaknesses: Poor portion control requiring donating unused pastries to innocents.
Super Hero File
Name: Drunkman
Origin: Drank wine made from radioactive grapes grown downwind of Field Marshal Britain‘s lab. I have no idea why the radioactivity didn’t kill the yeast but bear with me now, it’s comic book, as a result of drinking this stuff he acquires the powers of … wine or more accurately someone who has had too much wine and became Drunkman.
Powers: When fighting criminals calls out “Hey you, come back here, I need to talk to you, wait, I need to talk, …” once they are hypnotised by his sway and monotone he stumbles into them and falls on them pinning them until help arrives and the ones who are too fast he knocks them over by ejecting super slippery projectile vomit straight at them. They slip over & he staggers over and falls on them pinning them until help arrives.
Weaknesses: Occasionally sobers up for a few hours.
Foes: Unknown but they might be sleeping in parks or under the motorway or shop doorways the important thing is they’ve got weapons, lots of weapons, AWESOME weapons because they’re Americans and Americans just love their weapons.
They actually wrote it into their constitution that they have to be armed at all times because if they put their guns down Sergeant Major Britain will come back and free all the slaves.
Affiliates: Aperitif
Name: Field Marshal Britain
Origin: Originally a super fan of Bernard Montgomery, independently wealthy Frederick Matthew Britain was injured by a runaway horse at the Trooping of the Colours and taken to hospital in a coma.
When he awoke he saw F. M. Britain on the bed’s whiteboard and decided he must be Field Marshal Britain, superb organiser.
Nothing since has managed to shake this belief.
Powers: Since the accident he really has been a superb organiser.
Somehow he has convinced the government to release radioactive material to his “Secret” nuclear research laboratory.
Aims: To end all Britain’s and the other 15 Commonwealth Realms’ woes through the application of peaceful nuclear technology.
Weaknesses: Minimal attention to safety. Half the heroes in the Realms originated in accidents at his lab.
In 2015 I briefly did a joke about stupid superheroes, centred on Drunk Man, Woman Man + others at Field Marshal Britain‘s labs, loosely based on the style of the Marvel comics I devoured as a child in the 1960s.
Basically: Radiation + accident-> Super powers.
I revisited this joke in 2023-2024.
Now I’m doing an expanded set of Supers as memes.
Starts tomorrow.
Homo Ergaster (Workers) were a development of erectus who managed to put horniness aside long enough to do a day’s work.
After a few intermediates they became us.
Workers survived into the 21st century when neoliberal politics finally ended them.
They may survive in East Asia.
Homo Erectus (Randy Man) was the longest surviving human species.
Population pressures from its devotion to sex caused it to range from England to Korea but also stopped it innovating, making identical hand axes for nearly 2 million years.
Homo Habilis (Handy Man) was only around about 300,000 years but had time to invent scrapers, monogamy and, of necessity, the dildo.
