AucklandComedy – Page 8

LSD

LSD’s original name was LSD-25.

Dr Albert Hofmann synthesized new forms until #25 when flying purple giraffes blocked the lab’s portcullis.

I’ve just invented the innuendoscope.

It has a small but powerful loudspeaker in the tip that tells risque jokes from inside your anus.

If you want a picture of the future, imagine Mickey Mouse’s shoe stamping on a human face — forever.

(After George Orwell, 1984)

Sometimes I forget I’m dead.

The woman who inherited my PC is baffled whenever she notices I’ve been posting on it.

I wanted to take the Waterview tunnel, but someone told me where it came out.

SPOILER!

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

(I can’t believe that’s original, but can’t remember hearing it)

Comedy’s all fun and games until someone splits their sides.

Totally pissed off at the scalpers.

My show’s been on sale for 4 days & they still haven’t bought all the tickets.

I’d tell penis jokes, but there’s a shortage.

Question on a quiz show:

The main food of Blue Whales is?

Obviously Krill, how’s a whale going to open a can?