AucklandComedy – Page 9

Fashion Disaster

I look pretty hot in everything except maxi-dresses.

Nobody looks good in a maxi-dress.

Time and peristalsis wait for no-one.

A new study shows that people will believe almost anything that begins “New study shows.”

Why do I feel like I’m living in a Philip K. Dick novel?

Probably “Now Wait For Last Year.”

I don’t believe in karma.

I’m still trying to decide how I feel about korma!

Toilet paper shortage?

I’m switching to a low fibre diet for the duration.

I don’t want to seem irrational but I can never remember if numbers are real or imaginary or both and that’s integral to a complex problem!

I’ve come to the conclusion that conspiracy theorists bypass Occam’s razor in favour of Occam’s epilator!

Panic buying toilet paper is a shitty thing to do.

I’m a comedian not an actor.

Stop telling me to “Break a leg!”

When my wife was a custom baker, I used to tell her to “Crack an egg.”

Why not tell me to “Crack a joke” instead?