AucklandComedy – Page 9

Drug of Choice

Celery. Get addicted to celery.

Gambling, sugar, sex, heroin, tobacco, meth-amphetamine addictions will kill you or ruin your life.

Celery is the answer.

Celery is a pretty harmless thing to be addicted to, just don’t mainline the bloody stuff!

I hate the way autocorrect manages to choose the wrong word.

The price of intelligibility is consonant vigilante.

Airline food’s bad because something has to make hospital food look good.

I stopped ride sharing when my car broke down underground.

My mechanic said it was the worst case of carpool tunnel syndrome he’d ever seen.

I’m sick of the conspiracy nuts claiming NASA faked Flash Gordon’s 1934 Moon landing.

Be careful what you wish for.

You might find a specialist who will prescribe it.

London to Sofia 2,013 km; Auckland to Sydney 2,223 km.

England is closer to Bulgaria than NZ to Australia yet we don’t confuse them.

My dog growls when he dreams.

I think he’s been sleeping ruff.

Ever noticed how they like to invent new names for old things so they can claim they’re a new idea.

Take driverless cars, 40 years ago we just used to say “Forgot to put the handbrake on.”

I don’t have writer’s block!

I’ve been possessed by the ghost of Marcel Marceau!