AucklandComedy – Page 2

Innuendoscope

I’ve just invented the innuendoscope.

It has a small but powerful loudspeaker in the tip that tells risque jokes from inside your anus.

If I seem smart it’s because I’m copying over the shoulders of geniuses.

So let’s get this straight.

Harriet Potter was forced to stay in the closet by her transphobic uncle & aunt?

Q: Where is decaf coffee made?

A: Ground zero.

If you want a picture of the future, imagine Mickey Mouse’s shoe stamping on a human face — forever.

(After George Orwell, 1984)

Sometimes I forget I’m dead.

The woman who inherited my PC is baffled whenever she notices I’ve been posting on it.

Rugby may be a game of two halves but circles are a game of 2π.

OK Julia, you’re supposed to be a comedian.

Think of something funny to say.

No spoilers please, but Hamlet does win in the end, doesn’t he?

I mean Shakespeare wouldn’t be such an amateur that the hero loses?

Life guard at the pool said my swimsuit was too revealing then asked if I was male or female.

I replied “Then it can’t be that revealing.”