Q: How many homophobes does it take to change a tyre?
A: One, the others stay in the car so they don’t touch his bum.
Month: February 2026
Loyalty Card
I’ve started a loyalty scheme for my fans …
Every 10th joke is free!
Waiting Room
In the doctors waiting room.
The magazines untouched while all the patients use our devices. I check a cover … older than the iPhone 1
Closet
I had to come out of the closet.
It was full of dresses that no longer fitted.
Lipstick
When I say I fix up my lipstick after smoking, I mean I can only find my lipstick when I’m searching my handbag for a lighter!
Bill
Forget to pay the exorcist and be repossessed.
Early Bird Special
We have a super early bird special for people who already have worms.
Mathematics
Don’t ever say to a geek “You do the maths.”
We’ll stare at the ceiling for 5 minutes then say “72”, by which time you’ve forgotten the question.
Rocket Fuel
Rocket fuel is so toxic that over 55 years later nothing grows at the Apollo 11 landing site!
Recycling
Definition of irony: I just discovered my recycling bin has no recycling mark.
Meaning when it wears out or the council changes it I’ll have to send it to the landfill.