AucklandComedy – Page 5

Novel

Why do I feel like I’m living in a Philip K. Dick novel?

Probably “Now Wait For Last Year.”

I don’t believe in karma.

I’m still trying to decide how I feel about korma!

Toilet paper shortage?

I’m switching to a low fibre diet for the duration.

I don’t want to seem irrational but I can never remember if numbers are real or imaginary or both and that’s integral to a complex problem!

I’ve come to the conclusion that conspiracy theorists bypass Occam’s razor in favour of Occam’s epilator!

Panic buying toilet paper is a shitty thing to do.

I’m a comedian not an actor.

Stop telling me to “Break a leg!”

When my wife was a custom baker, I used to tell her to “Crack an egg.”

Why not tell me to “Crack a joke” instead?

We had fruit trees when I was a kid but I kept eating their children.

Marriage is a sacred covenant between one couple and the registrar of births deaths and marriages!

We give them money and they give us a certificate.

DEATH says “They said that comedian died … how stupid do they think I am?

“I can see they’re still walking and they don’t look like a zombie to me …

“I hate zombies.”

[followed by 2 minute rant about zombies]

(Reposted to match theme of last two days)