Comedy – Page 16 – Julia Clement

LSD

LSD’s original name was LSD-25.

Dr Albert Hofmann synthesized new forms until number 25 when flying purple giraffes blocked the lab’s portcullis.

Santa’s favourite oil — Jojojoba.

When I registered juliaclement.com, Godaddy suggested I should also register juliakind.com and juliamild.com.

When someone describes a first world problem, I like to reply “Dreadful, that’s like something out of Dickens” shake my head & walk off …

I would have made a great Disney villain.

Why does autocorrect “fix” everything except my real typos?

Best thing about being in a coalition?

You can blame unpopular policies on your partners.

Worst thing?

You get blamed for their bad policies.

Tap dancing lesson #1: Drink two pots of tea with no toilet breaks.

Tonight’s dinner was bought to me by the letter C: Chilli, cucumber, courgette, cavocado and comato; into blender and eaten with Corn chips.

I’ve just invented the innuendoscope.

It has a small but powerful loudspeaker in the tip that tells risque jokes from inside your anus.

If I seem smart it’s because I’m copying over the shoulders of geniuses.